New Year:

I have so much to be thankful for, 2011 was quite a year for our family. I can't believe how quickly the time has gone this year. I am finding it hard to believe that the little ones will start turning one soon. I am grateful that we were able to be together with family in various ways and numbers throughout the year.

Not everything always goes smoothly but I have found that we take care of one another when it doesn't go as planned. It is comforting to me that I hear the girls back one another up and prepare to do anything they can for one another. When they were young I wondered if that would be the case at times. As they have married I have wondered because bringing in-laws into the picture can complicate things as well. The girls who live close have begun doing a "girls night" with me occasionally, it has been fun and I think is helping to keep the lines of communication open. We just hope that when Ken is done with school that they are closer and that Cydney can be a part of girls night as well.

I am amazed by the women my girls have become. They have a great deal in common and they have amazing talents that are their very own. They are such great examples to me. I have often said that they were sent to teach me rather than the other way around they each have strengths and testimonies that leave me in awe.
I have an amazing, wonderful, husband. He has gone through an awful lot this year with his surgeries. I hope that he is through the worst of his pain and can do the things he enjoys the most. Having him home full time is a new experience again and now he will travel a lot as he is over the restrictions. I know I over protected him from lifting and so forth and I am sure that I drove him crazy. I have never known anyone who is as smart as this man is, I turn to him for answers all of the time. I just wish I could share his love and enthusiasm for diving but I am glad it makes him so happy.
One of my new years resolutions for last year was to serve others better. I think I did ok. One of the things that I should have also resolved to do was to serve myself a little better. I have slowly gained a little of the weight that I lost, not much but enough to get me discouraged. I am still wearing two sizes smaller than I was three years ago and should be happy...not being able to walk with my hip and knee has been a thorn in my side and my emotions . I have found myself being more critical of myself and others as a result of the discouragement. I also find that I feel I can never help or make anyone happy, that nothing I do is good enough and that I am always disappointing others. Frankly the aging process stinks and looking in the mirror to see the deep circles under my eyes makes me feel I am at least a hundred years old.

While I know it is a noble goal to serve others I have to remember that I need to take care of myself as well. The word worry is a word that I grew to hate as I was a young woman and a young mother. I know I spent time "wringing" my hands last year and I will step away from that. While I truly mourn that my family is raised and gone a lot of the time I can only do so much to help them and can't put pressures on myself to protect them from pain or sorrow, it isn't my place any longer. While I remain concerned and I still love them dearly I have to step aside.

Kerry has been traveling for over the last twelve years of our marriage, it has been a trial but he is employed and for the most part he loves his job. We have been together more as I have traveled with him lately but there are still times when it is hard having him gone so much. I just have to make the best of the time that he is gone, be productive, take care of myself and complain less. I also have to quit making myself feel so guilty that I don't enjoy the diving and hobbies that he has come to love so much, it just isn't going to happen.

2012

I hate new years resolutions but I am going to make some anyway but they are really just goals I should be working on anyway.

1. Get back to walking-despite the knee and hip pain.

2. Take off the 10 lbs and more. get rid of the soda AGAIN!

3. Be ok with me-DON'T let anyone make me feel less of a person than I am. My feelings are important no matter how much I tend to keep them inside.

4. Beef up the spiritual side. Be better at the things I know I should.

(i.e. visiting teaching, temple attendance, attitude in general of where I live and worship.)

5. Be less judgemental or critical. (On the plane here there were several little crying children my first response was to hope they weren't anywhere near me, they weren't very close. As I found myself trying to empathize with the mothers who were trying to keep them quiet and not disturb the old farts who were complaining I felt myself soften towards them and the crying, now I just need to soften to the old farts! I really have tried to see more of the positive as I have been on the bus or in public situations and it has been good.)

6. COMPLAIN LESS I am afraid that I complain way too much about not feeling well, my head, hip, or knee, or ears.....I will try harder to not the pain let be known, no one likes a complainer.

I guess I see a theme here I just want to be a more positive person this year, I have to so much to be positive about, husband, children, grandchildren are only a beginning. I have life and I need to appreciate it and love it more than I already do. If I appreciate things more I won't be hurt as easily because I won't be thinking of myself.

Happy New Year.